i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
