i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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