four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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