he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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