I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
