3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
