It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
