You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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