Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
