i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
