the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
