She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
