actually, I'm a sock model
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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