He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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