I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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