I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
