Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
