Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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