If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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