Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
