I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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