I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
