I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
