Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize