Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
