Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
