Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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