Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
