i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
