oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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