Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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