I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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