i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
