i think i have two assholes
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
