So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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