I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
