You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize