I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
