a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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