I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
