Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
