The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
