the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
