I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
