So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
