There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have grass duct taped all over my body
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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