I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
