i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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