Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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