i think my tv is drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
