She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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