First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
My ass is underappreciated
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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