I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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