My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
