im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
