I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
