just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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