Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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